I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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