Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
