i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
