clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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