Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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