Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
