If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
