Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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