I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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