Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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