Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
