He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
