he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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