Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The best revenge is premature balding
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
