Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
