mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize