my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
