My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
