i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
