If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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