What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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