I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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