they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
