the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
