he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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