Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
