Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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