I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
