last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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