Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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