First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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