youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
