i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
