Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
