i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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