My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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