Umm I'm too high to move.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
