after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
