when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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