i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
