I think I won the penis lottery.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.