Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't