He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
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That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...