I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
