I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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