Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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