I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
