I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
