So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
