i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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