I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
