anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
