What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
