i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
