I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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