Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
