She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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