At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
