A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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