Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
